well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
