After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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