I just pynch a tree in the face
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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