I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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