last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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