Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
