and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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