I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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