im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
