my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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