so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
