I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
