dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
