your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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