I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
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You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
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I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.