just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
