when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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