I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
