I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
