best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
