He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
