i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
