Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize