My Higher Power is John Stamos
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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