how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
