How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
