I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
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Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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