i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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