Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
