it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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