We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
