Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
