fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
