oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
