....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
