I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
