Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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