6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
