My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
