I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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