so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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