girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
