lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
