I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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