I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
