everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
