Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
