whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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