Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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