Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
