Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
