I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
