Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
