I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
