come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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