Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
