Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
